Tina's Secrets
by UmPaDee
Summary: The confident exterior of Tina Cohen is just a facade. On the inside she's falling apart, and she's doing an awfully good job at hiding it. That is until people start to find out about her secrets. Warnings: cutting, ED, and other dark stuff like that.
1. Words that Scar

**A/N: So this has been sitting on my desktop for awhile now, and I'd just thought I'd post it. I know I have two other ongoing stories, so this isn't my first priority. But it was practically begging me. I don't think it's very good, but I guess I'll continue this if I get enough requests. If enough people like the idea, but not the writing, I could definitely rework it as well. So just let me know what you think...**

1. Words that Scar

Mike was the first to find out.

It happened in the school library, in the mathematics part of the nonfiction section, to be exact. Tina was being ignorant, stupid really. She just wasn't thinking, and now she'd have to pay the price.

You see, Tina Cohen had a dirty little secret, actually many dirty little secrets, and the problem with her dirty little secrets was that they were written all over her body. Yes, Tina Cohen, cut herself. And after years of secrecy, she had no intention of letting anyone else know about her little problem with the razor blade. Unfortunately, her wish would not be granted.

Mike and Tina had been in a relationship for over a year, and she'd always been very careful up to that point to keep Mike at a distance to avoid the inevitable discovery. They moved slowly, painfully so, actually. It helped that the two were somewhat forced to keep the relationship at PG due to the neutral fear of their strict parents, Mike's own moral compass, and his "goody two shoes" rep. Besides, they were both busy. Mike had his perfect 4.0, football, popularity and Glee to worry about. And, Tina had, well, Tina had glee. Yes, they were _both_ very busy, too busy to do some of the normal relationship stuff that other couples their age participated in, or at least that's what Mike would say. And that was exactly what Tina wanted.

Anyways, thanks to the anonymity of this section of the dewey decimal system, Mike and Tina were getting a little too passionate in their make out session for any couple in a public place, and Mike may or may not have started to move to second base. That was fine with Tina. In fact, she enjoyed it. But she forgot about the scabs and scars under her shirt, as his hands slowly moved to her bra strap.

That's when it happened, when his face pulled away from hers ever so slightly, nose crinkled up in disgust and eyes quickly calculating his next move. Tina was stunned, unsure what to say, as Mike wildly pulled her shirt up, exposing the bounty of scars she had been so careful to hide. "Shit," he choked out as his hands pulled away, and Tina mentally followed suit, her mind searching for some excuse.

"Tina?" he said, beckoning for some explanation. But what was there to say?

She stood up wildly, feeling as if she were about to faint, unable to believe that her beloved Mike, sweet, perfect Mike had seen all the ugliness that was her. She'd lost him, she was sure of it.

"Tina, why?"

She didn't know, and yet she did. But she couldn't tell him. She really couldn't. All she could do was run as far away from the situation as possible, and so she did.

Finally she found herself in a stall in the girl's bathroom, holding a blade to her skin, ready to do the deed. But it wasn't the same. She couldn't do it. Not with Mike's beautiful, concerned voice ringing in her ears. _Tina, why?_

* * *

><p>Tina's never been the star. She's never been amazing. She's never been special. She's never been enough.<p>

Even, when Mr. Schue used to give her the occasional solo, there'd be Rachel in the back, scowling because Tina didn't deserve them. Even, when she got her A in AP Chemistry, there was that A- in AP English. Even, when she was ranked number eight in the class, her parents wanted to know why she wasn't ranked higher.

"Only_ eight?"_ They'd always drop their mouths in disgrace. _"_You can't get into Harvard with that, Tina!" _No duh. _ Tina was never Harvard material; she'd never even considered it despite her parents' stereotypical obsession with the institution. Harvard was for special people, and Tina wasn't special. So they gave up on her, disowned her, practically. Because there daughter wasn't number one. And it hurt, more than she'd let you know.

Maybe that's why it started. At midterms when she got her transcripts and her dad spat in her face, he told her he was ashamed of her, that she disgusted him. He apologized later, of course, but by then the damage was already done. Tina Cohen had done the unthinkable.

She'd said it was alright. He told her to try harder. Get some friends. Get better grades. Get rid of the stutter. Get a new look. Get the lead solo in Glee. There was still time to become something great, to stand out. They could fix this. _They could fix her._ "Nothing's written in stone," he'd said to her.

_No dad, _she thought after he'd left her bedroom, _but it's written on my leg. _ She choked back the sobs that night, as the blood slowly scabbed over on the carefully carved "_**8**__"_ on her thigh. It had been a stupid idea, she'd easily attest to that as her head whirled with the risks and statistics she'd learnt in health class. The next morning, after thoroughly cleaning the inevitable scar, she swore to herself she'd never do it again.

She had just been frustrated, overcome with emotion, and curious. Yes, curious. She'd heard of other kids at school doing it. They'd said it made them feel better or something.

But really, it just happened. She wasn't thinking. She just did it, just mutilated (she flinched at the thought of the word) herself on the spot. And it did feel good, in a weird way. Yes, it was painful, but it was a good sort of pain. The rush and the comfort of the blade seemed to drown out everything else, make it a little more bearable. She couldn't explain, and she wouldn't try to understand _because she wouldn't do it again_. _No, this was the first and last time. _

If anything this was rock bottom. She could only go up from here. It was symbolic. The eight branded on her skin would be a constant reminder of her need to improve. Right now she was eight, measly eight, but one day she'd be number one. Or, at least, she could try.

But as weeks passed after the event, she came to the conclusion that no, she wasn't and wouldn't ever be amazing at anything. Never at the top, and never the best. She was good. She was okay. She was enough. But she wasn't special, and even glee club couldn't change that. In fact, glee club just shoved it in her face every day that Tina was quite the opposite.

In a club that spouted the importance of acceptance and making every individual feel special, it only hurt more when she was tossed aside. She was just a figure in the background, nothing but a useless stage prop that they needed to meet their membership quota to compete.

And maybe if Rachel hadn't made such a big deal when Tina got the Maria solo, maybe if there wasn't so much pressure on her to hit the note, maybe if she wasn't doomed to fail, and maybe if Rachel didn't treat her as an inferior, maybe if she had a little more confidence, maybe if she didn't cause complete and utter turmoil for the club with the solo, and maybe if she hadn't failed at her one opportunity to shine, a new word would have never appeared on her skin- **"Failure."**

This was the last time, Tina, told herself the next day as she washed the blood that had seeped through her pajama pants out of her sheets to avoid parental detection. She couldn't deal with something like this. It would make her life too difficult.

Throughout the day, the two scabs met her pants with frictions as she walked down the halls of McKinley High. They were nothing but constant reminders of the pain she'd endured. "_Only number 8"_ they whispered to her whenever she got less than 100% for a test or assignment. "_Failure_," they'd yell when she messed up a dance move or missed a note.

But, strangely enough, the discomfort of the wounds was a nice commodity when she was being doused with the slushies. They were useful tools to cope. She'd just press her hands against her thigh, and take in that pain, trying to avoid the feel of the icy, sticky shock that sent a horrible sensation throughout her body. They could hurt her all they wanted, but she could hurt herself more. _It was insane. _Yes, she knew the logic made no sense, but it really did help.

So when the scabs morphed into little pink scars that were nothing but sensationless words on her skin, her tool to deal with the constant harassment of her peers became obsolete. And after one, particularly brutal slushy from Karofsky she found herself in the bathroom scrawling the word that accompanied his attack- "**freak**"- into her skin. The next day it was** "loser". **And the day after was "**chink**". She immediately regretted that last word, the racism forever embedded in her legs.

She wouldn't do it again, she promised herself. But by this time, she'd known the drill, tasted the sound of the lie as soon as it formed in her head. After only five words, five blissfull sessions witht he blade, she was hooked to the sense of control and comfort she'd come to associate with cutting. Besides, she hadn't cut that deep. The words would fade. They'd have to. And she'd stop, eventually, when she felt like it.

* * *

><p>Of course, that was all a lie, because now she knew, that she really couldn't stop on her own. It had become an addiction that she had no control over and the scars were avid proof of her ill-planning. She never should have started because now that Mike knew, Tina was forced to face the horrible fact that she might made to stop. And that, she knew, would certainly be impossible.<p> 


	2. Boyfriends and Break Ups

**A/N: Please read and review. I love favs and alerts too :) LOL. Oh and warnign there is some serious Artie bashing in this chapter... but dont' worry he'll be portrayed fairly throughout the rest of the story. Same with Mike, he may seem like a little bit of a jerk, but granted, he's in shock. He doesn't know what to do...**

2. Boyfriends and Break ups

Tina doesn't know how she's come to this point, how she's gotten all these awful secrets, but she does know that they're hers and she's not about to give them up. Or at least that's what she tells Mike, who promptly tells her that she should go to Asian Therapy…

"Why is it always Asian?" she freaks out on him, just like the countless other times that she really shouldn't have. He's the perfect boyfriend, and if his one quirk, her one annoyance with him is that he's very "Asian" than what is she to do? Sure she's tired of the label, tired of having her whole life defined by her race, but he doesn't need to know that. And she's sure that being too "Asian" is a whole lot better than being a cutter. Yes, she should be quiet. She shouldn't be the one getting mad at him. It should be the other way around.

"Did you scar _Asian_ into your body too, Tina?" his words hurt like venom, and she physically winces at how harsh his sweet voice has become. And what makes it even worse is that she has. Her eyes avert to the ground, and he once again crinkles his nose up in disgust. "You did, didn't you?"

She wonders what he'd say if he knew that one of the first words was "_chink_". He'd break up with her, if he isn't already planning to. That's when it happens, a tear leaks out of her eye, slowly rolling down her cheek. All she can do is try not to let any more fall, but that's a little bit much. After all Tina's always been a _cry baby, _or at least that's what it says on her thigh.

To her surprise, Mike gently pulls her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her as if to keep her safe from the world. "Shhh…" he whispers, "It'll be okay."

_He's just too perfect_, Tina thinks.

* * *

><p>Artie had never really been a good boyfriend like Mike was. He treated her like s***, and expected her to take it. Honestly, he never made her feel special the way Mike did. In fact, he sort of did the opposite. But glee treated him like he was a good guy, and maybe he was, just not to Tina, not really. He was sort of a male chauvinist, and because he was in a wheel chair he made Tina do absolutely everything for him. Plus, people felt bad for him; they'd automatically assume he was a a nice, sweet nerd because he had glasses, braces and a wheelchair. They'd never notice the fact that he'd tell his girlfriend that she looked like a <em>vampire<em>, every other day.

That hurt. Sure, she'd been denigrated for years by Karofsky and the other Neanderthals, but Tina had built a pretty hard exterior. They didn't know her; they were just moronic clones without a thread of individuality in their bodies. She could deal with it. But when her boyfriend, the one guy who was supposed to treat her like royalty found nothing but faults in her, it broke her.

Maybe that's why at first the majority of the words were the result of Artie's over active, seemingly sweet, criticisms. "_Vampire_", "_A little chubby_", "_Liar_", and "_Not enough_" were the words Artie would use to describe her, and it scarred herself worth, literally.

Even when she'd need his help, when she'd want to spend time with her boyfriend, she'd be ignored. He was more concerned with AV club and his stupid video games. And if, maybe for one moment she'd want to do something else with him, he'd have a fit. Plus, he'd gotten in this habit of always calling her "_Woman_", like she had no other merit, no other purpose.

Tina didn't think it was Artie's fault. He was just a little masochistic, and very arrogant. He didn't realize that what he was doing was wrong. He was completely oblivious.

So when Mike came along, and Artie hadn't even talked to her in weeks, wouldn't even pick up the phone, her heart did a flip. And, despite popular belief, she did feel guilty. So guilty, in fact, that she made three gashes into her hip the night of the summer camp kiss. And when she returned from summer break and ended it with Artie, she made another one. She was sorry that she'd hurt him.

It was little comfort though, that as soon as Brittany gave him the time of day, his "obsession with Tina" disappeared. How could she think otherwise? After all, Brittany was definitely a trade up over T-T-Tina.

That's when she realized, Artie'd never really loved her. She saw the way he'd look at Brittany, perfect blonde cheerio Brittany; he'd treat her like royalty in an effort to keep her by his side, to procure her loyalty. He'd never done that for Tina, after all who else would want her? She'd been a consolation prize, just a girlfriend for Artie to say he had, but nothing to really brag about. He didn't even care to spend time with her, or to answer her calls. He'd thought the relationship was safe, secure. It was just Tina. She'd just take it. She didn't deserve anything more. And when he lost her, he was more upset about his ego than anything else. He wanted a girlfriend to show off, to assert his manliness. And Brittany was in a whole other league.

Tina felt _replaceable_, but as she held the blade to her skin to write out her masterpiece, she began to rethink. Writing words was getting to impractical. She was running out of skin, and frankly it was much more dangerous. So, as practical as one can be in these situations, she simply sliced the skin across. From then on the words were history, and she'd forever more be a simple cutter. Slice. Slice. Cut. Cut. How sickly poetic.

* * *

><p>"I'm serious though," Mike says, snapping her back into the present. "You need to stop. You need help."<p>

Tina looks up at him, and knows he's right. Of course he is. After all, he's Mike, and he's perfect. "I can stop on my own," she says.

He looks unconvinced, "Can you just tell me why?"

She thinks for a moment, wondering if she should tell him about what she's thought about. Blame it all on Artie, blame it all on her insecurities, but that would be too simple. After all, Artie's in the past now. She doesn't even think about him except for when she sees him in glee, and even now he's just a face, overshadowed by her adoration and devotion to Mike. And still, she continues to cut, continues to scar her skin. "I don't know. It's just something I do."

His face turns red when she says this, "Cutting yourself is not something you just do! There has to be a reason."

"Not always."

That's when he puts his hand to his eyes, and tilts his head up to the sky, letting out a big sigh. The frustration is written across him like a post card, _look at how insane my girlfriend is. _"I should've known, before. I mean how long has this been going on? Was it something I did?"

Tina could almost laugh at that. Back when she started, Mike was nothing to her but a popular jock in a letterman. He wouldn't have given her the time of day. He never had any part in this. "I've been doing it since freshman year, before we even met."

"And nobody's ever noticed?" _Of course not. _ She almost laughs at that too. _That would have to mean somebody cared enough to realize._ "Not even Artie?"

"No," she says at the sound of her ex's name. He never even came close, and if he had, she'd doubt he'd care.

"Tina…" Mike shakes his head, "I don't know what to do."

"You don't have to do anything."

"I do," He continues to express his disaproval for the situation. And then he gives her this look, this sickening, pitying look of absolute guilt and disgust. "I can't just let you do this to yourself."

"I'll stop."

There's a moment's pause, an awkward one.

It hits her like a brick wall.

She can barely breathe.

"Listen Tina," the words break her ears. There's a promise of hurt, waiting to break free from the damn behind which it's hiding. "I knew you had some issues when we met, and I fell in love with you despite it. I mean you're amazing, you're great. But this is bad. This isn't something I can ignore."

"Mike, are you breaking up with me?" She asks the question, but she can't believe it, can't put meaning to the words behind the sentence.

"You have to understand. I can't deal with something like this- you know how my dad is. I have to get into every Ivy League, right now, and get every scholarship. This is just too much. And y_ou_ can't deal with something like this. You have to stop. I just don't think this is what's best for either of us, right now."

She can't believe her ears. She knew it would happen eventually. Mike's always been too good for her.

"I love you Tina… but I don't know what to do about this."

He's waiting for a response that he won't get because Tina knows that, if she opens her mouth, she'll fall apart.

"I'm sorry, but I do still want to help you get through this."

"I don't need your help," She grits her teeth, "I don't need you."

She twirls her body around, just as the tears spring up into her eyes. He never sees them, he just sees her walking swiftly away.

When she gets home she doesn't know what to do. Cutting seems so rudimentary, so typical for a moment that is so resoundinly horrific. She gave herself four slices over Artie, but he never really meant anything. This is Mike, the love of her life, her other half, the only thing in her life that is perfect. He is her happiness and, without him, she's destined for a lifetime of misery. For the first time ever she had started to feel again, to see the good in life, but now it was all shattered. Yes, she'd made four cuts in her skin for Artie, but Mike was her whole life. She can't live without him, and maybe that's her answer...

**A/N: Dun. Dun. Dunnn. Poor Tina. Please don't hate me for the cliff hanger. And Mike/Tina fans, don't worry this is just a little bump in the road. Granted, Mike/Tina isn't the primary focus of the story. I just feel like Tina never gets enough character development, she was always Artie's girl and then Mike's girl. You never really have any great plot with just her :( Plus she needs to be somewhat isolated for awhile for the story to take pace...**


	3. Fate's Game

3. Fate's Game

Tina Cohen Chang wants to be an actor.

Perhaps that's why she greets her family in passing with a fake smile and cheerful voice worthy of an Oscar nomination. Maybe the masquerade could continue, but there are, approximately, 13 pictures of Mike sitting in her room, so, as soon as the bedroom door closes, Tina inevitably breaks.

She can hardly breathe. Her heart is on a high-speed chase that results in a nearly fatal emotional crash. She gets out alive, but barely.

* * *

><p>Tina and Mike were always meant to be, they just hadn't realized it till the summer before junior year when Asian camp shot its cupid's arrow right into their hearts. Yes, Tina Cohen Chang was convinced that destiny had been rooting for one of the most iconic glee club couples since their conception.<p>

Whenever luck or random chance was involved she would find herself partnered up with "other Asian", and while at first this seemed like nothing but a weird cosmic racism Tina soon became sure that fate was just playing it's game. It had started in kindergarten—they were assigned to sit next to each other—, and it continued throughout the years. That's not to say they were friends or that either knew much about the other at all. She had been quiet, shy, punk, geeky Tina, a Loser with a capitol "L". On the other hand, he was Mike—always popular, always hanging with the right crowds, getting the right grades, and playing the right sports. They weren't alike, or so they thought. Even when Mike joined Glee club and they were consistently assigned (at random, she might add) to work together for duets and ballads, they ignored fate's persistence, becoming nothing more than friendly teammates. But then, without either knowing, they both applied to be counselors at Asian camp, and their love story was written. Her happy-ever-after had come true.

* * *

><p>That is until the 'love of her life' realized that he is way out of her league, becoming fully aware of just how messed up Tina truly is. Now, it appears that fairy tale endings are nothing but intangible dreams, and her poor little heart is broken from the bullets of harsh truth that life had fired in her direction. So, she decides to go back to accepting her position as a "<strong>Hag-for-Life<strong>", maybe that's not the sort of 'positive thinking' that will get her through the break-up, but, to Tina, its an invariable truth that can't be denied. And, with exceptional rarity, she scars another forbidden word into the skin on her calf.

It has been a long time since a cut of that type, magnitude and length graced one of her limbs, and Tina instantly regrets it. Except, well, it does make things feel a tad bit better. Mike just doesn't get it, nobody does. Cutting works for her. It simply does, and just because everybody else in the world is ignorant to its benefits doesn't mean she should have to give it up.

Then, as if to rub salt into the wound, Mike texts her. It's only four little words, but it acts as a catalyst for grief. "_Don't do anything stupid."_

It's too late. She doesn't respond. Then six minutes later, her phone buzzes again "Tina, please." Once again, she tries to ignore it, but she can almost hear him saying the words out loud, gently begging for her common sense to win out. She hears his strong, gentle voice, always leading her along, but, now, he's gone. It is no longer the voice of _Her _Mike, but of an ex that's face will be stained in the choir room for eternity (or just one more year).

She looks at her phone once more, the message still open, taunting her with its presence. Her mind reels with it's hidden context, the words he can't quite type into his phone. His face full of disgust when seeing the scars and full of pity when saying those words of departure cloud her judgment. At the finale, pity and disgust confirmed her long held belief of inferiority. She is nothing , nothing but a self-mutilated failure only meant to repulse anyone who discovers the true Tina.

The terrific pain in her leg that acts as morphine for her pathetic existence starts to dissipate, and the terror of her life returns. This tragedy is too much to overcome, her insecurities too great to contain as her insides are slowly being torn into pieces of jagged glass.

Her fingers, still tooling with the blade, find themselves approaching her wrist. She becomes paralyzed, only having enough movement to trace the blade in a vertical direction. She doesn't push down, doesn't procure a dangerous dose of blood in that manor. She knows what they'll all say. So, she waits and then makes a 'harmless' horizontal _slash_ on her left wrist.

She hears her phone buzz again "Are you okay?" _Slash #2_

Moments later "I know you don't want to hear from me, but I'm worried about you" _Slash #3._

And then seconds later. "Plz text me."_ Slash #4._

"I'm coming over." _Slash #5_

This time she responds "No". Every part of her body begs her to revoke the message. Yes, she wants Mike back; him here, comforting her, would be sweet, but she knows that if he sees her like this, her eternity will be sealed in some padded lock-down cell.

"Can I send Kurt?" Her body physically panics when he texts this. The risk of exposure that is so clearly present becomes an imminent fate. Mike is going to blab to everyone. He can't keep a secret of this magnitude, and, now that they are apart, there is nothing holding him back. _Slash #6._

Her foolishness becomes acknowledged when she realizes she he has made one of her most lengthy cuts and six other deep gashes on her wrist within a matter of minutes. None wounds appear to be clotting, and the blood is bleeding out at a frightening pace. She's feeling woozy. At first, her concern is on the risk of staining her bed sheets, but now she is concerned and almost hopeful of another potential fate.

She doesn't have too much time to think about it because she dozes out.

* * *

><p>This happened once before. It was a particularly bad week. Her grandma had died, and she'd discovered that she gained 10 pounds within a few weeks from all the stress eating. Then there was the matter of slushy attacks coming to a pinnacle. She came home everyday in slushy-stained clothing and that was after changing into her back-up for the day. Her friends were barely acknowledging her existence. Within a few months she went from having Mercedez doing her nails in glee club and being part of conference calls with Kurt, to not hearing from anyone at all for weeks. <em>Some team.<em> Luckily, she woke up undetected; the blood had stopped on it's own.

* * *

><p>This time, she's not so sure as she drifts away. Far, far away.<p>

She wakes up in the ER. She's stabilized and moved to the psych ward. She's so drugged up that she doesn't feel anything, not even the embarrassment when she discovers that she has to have a psych evaluation and is assigned a psychologist to meet with three times a week. They keep her there for a week, after she insists that she never intended to kill herself. It was just an accident. Maybe she should be grateful for Mike saving her, but she's not and it's probably not because of the drugs.

Mike tells everyone she has mono, and he tells her that they believe it. She's truly not surprised; they probably wouldn't have even noticed her absence otherwise. Still, she's relieved that he's the only one who knows besides her parents. If the whole glee club knew it would become this whole thing. There would be songs and tears and a whole lot of red on Tina's cheeks.

Except for Mike, she doesn't get any visitors. He comes everyday after school. Her parents come to check on her and sign paperwork less than that. She knows that they're furious and she's fairly certain that Mike knows it too. Otherwise, he wouldn't be acting so dang supportive to his ex-girlfriend, especially with all of the other stuff he has going on. Tina feels guilty but she doesn't protest. His visits are the bright spots in her days.

The second night she's there he looks at her with these big sad eyes. "I'm really sorry," he says. She doesn't ask why because she knows he feels guilty over something that's not at all his fault, and she doesn't argue because she's afraid that he'll leave. Instead she shuts her eyes and pretends to fall asleep. After awhile, she hears Mike crying. She feels like a bitch.

Right now Tina hates fate.


	4. Reunions

4. Reunions

There are a few people Tina hates running into at eight o'clock in the morning. One of them is Rachel. It's particularly annoying when it's her first day back after a week of being in the hospital.

"Feeling better?" Rachel asks too energetically for Tina's comfort. She needs coffee, operating on an inferior frequency to the other Glee Member's mega enthusiasm about everything, but then again she was told to avoid caffeine. _It can be bad for anxiety, _the psychologist in the hospital said with her freakishly white teeth. Still Rachel is high maintenance along with many other less than amiable traits. _Try to be_ positive, the psychologist had recommended, perfectly manicured nails tapping the notes on her clip board. That woman clearly doesn't know Rachel, but Tina does. And Tina also knows that for all the reason that Rachel is annoying there are are a a thousand more about why Rachel is better than Tina. Period. No arguments there. So Tina puts up with Rachel, because, after all, Tina is already used to putting up with herself.

"Yeah," Tina says although she notices Rachel staying her distance. Then she remembers that lie, Mike's carefully crafted charade, and she's grateful because if Rachel knew the truth this moment would be infinitely more troublesome. So she puts on an exasperated, sick looking face. "Mono stinks."

"Mhmmm," Rachel says, voice still chugging out a fast swoop of high pitched words. "Finn abhorred it. Took months to recover."

"Yeah," Tina says, not entertained in the slightest. She wants to disappear from this conversation, the pressure of discussing a disease she must pretend to have makes her want to fake stutter. "I bet."

"Listen Tina," Rachel says in that voice everyone knows as 'Scary Rachel'-bossy and conceited. "I know that you and Mike are no longer in a relationship—Facebook. We all know."

"Yes," Tina says coolly, trying to forget the salt Rachel just rubbed into the wound, her big nose making an is no point in breaking down now. Composure must be maintained more than ever. Besides, she must destroy any threads of potential reality that Rachel may have grasped on to because Rachel was bizarrely talented at sleuthing for the truth _even when it's none of her business_. "Mono and a break up suck, but being reminded of them everyday can be worse."

Rachel stops, her eyes sizing up the girl in front of her. Tina knows there isn't much in the talent department to size up. The attitude however is growing. "Listen Tina. People talk, but I'm here. If Mike broke up with you because of Mono than it's his loss. Unless of course the rumors are true and you got it from making out with Jacob Israel."

Tina cringes and then relaxes when she realizes that sometimes rumors are better than reality.

That's when she realizes she's in deep, when her truth becomes worse than contracting Mono from an adulterous make out session with Jacob. Either way, truth or gossip, both stories end with the same thing a Mike-less Tina, no relationship to carry on a pedestal.

"You're a creative soul," Rachel continues, "I know. I'm a creative soul too. Being single will be good for you. It will help you grow and get in touch with your inner pain. We wouldn't have won Regional's without my original song. It came from my deep turmoil."

Tina might barf at Rachel's lectures. She knows enough about her own inner pain to know that any creativity she elicits is not for the better, but instead she just smiles at Rachel, nodding her head along with the big mouthed girl's over confidence. She's ecstatic when she can flip her body around and vacate the premises. Classes had to be attended, and bells were about to ring. "Thanks Rachel!"

Sometimes Tina feels replaced by Rachel, upstaged by the diva. She couldn't just have the glee club; she had to take Tina's best friends too. For years she'd been buddy-buddy with Kurt and Mercedez, wheeled Artie around in his wheel chair. Then _poof!_ glee club. It was originally supposed to be something the four of them could do together. But then Rachel came and took over and her diva-ness was more of a fit for Kurt and Mercedes than Tina ever was, and it hurt. She soon felt more distant from them than ever before. Now it seems like the only time she hears from Kurt is when he's in the mood to give out fashion advice.

Maybe that's why when Kurt runs up to her and gives her a massive hug, she drops a big, fat, genuine smile. "You're back!" he squeals to the tune of the late bell.

Tina starts to head off but Kurt yells out that they have to catch up, and she agrees in words only. There's nothing new she can tell, and listening to Kurt talk about his fabulous life for hours straight might just send her back to the hospital. And his inquiries, if he'd care at all about Tina's life: What could she say in response? Nothing but lies and mixed messages about Mono and Mike and how she did not hook up with Jacob Israel. Eww!

It's after class when things get bad, when she has the third welcome back of the day. This time from an unfriendly hockey jock, slushie in hand. "Please don't," she mutters. But he doesn't hear her. He probably doesn't even know her name or that she supposedly has mono. What he does know is that she's a loser and she's no longer dating that other Asian Glee kid on the football team. The one that's actually cool, making her previously a questionable target. Now that her Facebook declares otherwise, she's an open target, burnt scum at the bottom of the pot.

It lands on her, stinging more than most. Her wounds feel the sickly sweet ice. Her body is frozen, shocked, paralyzed and she's grateful when Kurt pulls her away into the girls bathroom just when Mike barrels into the hockey player.


	5. Gossip

At first, Kurt doesn't say anything when he sees the blood on Tina's arm. Instead his face contorts to confusion. A slight puddle of blood drenches her sleeve. His eyes squint and his lips purse as if to show that he is thinking, and then the revelation occur. Tina is too stunned and cautious to move, still worn out from her previous hospitalization to deal with anything, particularly a preemptive explanation or movement of our arm.

Yet, she does nothing, thinking that even if Kurt noticed the blood, he wouldn't care enough to figure it out, and even, if such an epiphany occurred, nothing would be done. Why would Kurt say anything? Why would he care? Nobody cares about Tina? The only reason he pulled her in is because that's what Glee does for everyone in their ranks whose been slushied, including Santana who was mean to everyone. Kurt's not her friend. He's just a fake who pretends. She knows, and it's proven in the number of texts he's sent in the last year—just six. He doesn't care about her enough to make a big deal.

Yet, Tina is wrong.

"Oh," he says after a few moment. "Tina do you… Tina you don't….? You're not…? That's not why…?

"It's not what you think, Kurt," Tina says quickly, mentally damning her situation. Once again, she's in a terrible debacle. Why is she here? Because of an immature, arrogant deuce who decided it would be fun to ruin her day and make her feel like crap. If only she could whip his hockey puck in his mouth, and throw a slushy on him. For the amount of times he's done it to her, it would only be justice, especially after this round.

Tina used to play a game for a while. The rules were simple whenever someone insulted or criticized her, she'd make a cut. So, despite the fact that Tina liked to pretend that the words of the hockey players never hurt her, most of her cuts emerged from one of their attacks.

And now, they may have caused those same cuts' discovery. If this round of slushy attacks hadn't happened, Kurt wouldn't have grabbed her wrist to sweep her into the bathroom. The gesture was supposed to be flattering. He meant well, but, of course, with her luck, some scab had be ruptured in the process. Otherwise the universe couldn't get it's laughs at Tina! "I had a really bad IV put in. The nurse didn't know what she was doing. It left a scab."  
>"Oh," he says in a meek little voice that sounds more like the pre-glee Kurt, and less like the super cool, out-and-proud, senior that she's come to know. They just sit there for a moment, when he starts rinsing out her hair. Then, of course, because post slushy attack grooming has to be a communal affair every so often. Rachel walks in toting a towel and the designated tshirt, sweatshirt and jeans<p>

Tina talks to Kurt and Rachel idly for a while about whatever there little hearts desire. Right now it's NYADA. Their futures are so bright that it makes Tina sick, physically repulsed.

Then it stops. Tina's in the stall, changing, realizing that a chorus of whispers has emerged. The feelings of being the subject of gossip makes her unbearably anzious. She could throwing up. Then Rachel asks a variation of the question Tina loathes. "How are you doing in there Tina? Are you alright?"

Tina, takes a deep breath, deciding to answer face-to-face. She comes of the stall. She had planned to convince both Kurt and Rachel that she really is okay, but when she opens her mouth no words can form on her lips. One look at their facial expressions, and she is a very startled deer in head lights. Then it happens. Rachel grabs her hand and pulls up her sleeve, exposing the stitches and medley of scars on her wrist. They both gasp. Then Santana walks in and her mouth falls. Tina is frozen, feet stuck to the floor. This has to be some sort of set up, some big, cruel joke.

And just like that, years of keeping it a secret are thrown a way. Within a couple of weeks her boyfriend ex boyfriend, parents, and teammates have discovered her favorite coping mechanism. Tina thinks that if she has a chance ever again, she better scar the word _moron._ It seems to reflect her opinion of herself in this situation, quite perfectly.

Tina shoves the sleeve back down. "Please," she says, practically begging, "Don't say anything. I know. I know. I'm taking care of it."

"But," Rachel interjects, but Tina pounces back with a threatening glare. If only looks could kill, but, at least they can get one Rachel Berry to shut up.

"And no songs, ever. Don't ask about it. Don't lecture me about this. And don't tell anybody else.

Tina leaves, her heart beating as fast as she can imagine. The truth is going to get out. It has to. It always does.

When baby-gate went down, Tina felt like the last to know, and she also felt like it was none of her business. She participated in gossip, but Tina never told Quinn what she ought to do. She didn't even particularly like the idea of singing her a song. It just felt awkward, like all of glee was trying to force themselves into Quinn's very private matter.

Yet, that song wasn't just about Quinn. It represented every dynamic in glee club. That was when Tina realize how unimportant she was in the Glee Club because Glee was really only about Rachel, Quinn, Finn and Puck. The rest were all the side acts, but Tina was just the furniture, some tree floating in the back. It's no suprise that _Background_ was on her leg.

With baby-gate, came gossip. The wild fire spread at an unbelievable rate. With babygate, Glee was put on a map as gossip spread about them all, and so Glee club got a reputation. The reputation worse one, which at the time seemed impossible. Slushies became worse, and taunts more profound. Tina then understood, how quickly news travels when you're in the rutts, and how painful the repercussions of rumors and gossip can be. Who thought so many people could enjoy metaphorically kicking a dead puppy?

Rachel can't keep secrets.

Neither can Kurt.

Santana is a pro at monopolizing new information

Actually they all are.

When Tina walks into the choir room, she expects stares and whispers, uncomfortable inquiries of her well-being. But she doesn't expect everything else.

Mr. Schue stands up in front of the class, clearly uncomfortable. He picks his favorites, and then he pretends that he loves them all. It's a phony charade. He loves his little football star that got the rest to join: his little Finny-poo. He loves Rachel's voice, and could ignore the rest of her with fluid dislike

"So, guys!" Mr. Schue says with more energy than any teacher should have, I know we all have a song we'd like to give to our most missed member, Tina Cohen Chang!"

An awkward applause overtakes the choir room. As they bustle around. Tina notices the knowing, sympathetic look that Mike's gives her. Rachel just stares her down, and Kurt... It's too much. Tina sprints out, because what sucks more than being aware that everyone in a room knows your deepest secret?

"Tina!" Mike yells, "Tina! Tinaaaa!"

It doesn't stop Tina though; she doesn't look behind. Yet Mike get's closer as his voice approaches her ear. She feels his hand grab her shoulder. "You okay?"

Tina looks at him, "Just peachy, Mike! Just peachy!"

He studies her face then, too visible and too obvious. Words are forming in his brain, epiphanies and rejects being edited to deliver the perfect verdict to Tina, his self-described crazy ex."

"The song was planned last week," he finally says, "Only Mr. Schue and I knew. Everybody else just thought you were sick. They said glee club didn't feel the same without you. You're the link we need."

Tina scoffs, "I'm background furniture. If you hadn't said anything, nobody would have known I was gone."

He shakes his head.

"But everybody knows," Tina cries, "Kurt, Rachel and Santana found out."

"So?" he asks, "They won't say anything to anyone. They're friends."  
>Another scoff comes from Tina's direction<p>

"Tina, please come back to glee club. Everyone is worried about you. I'm sure. "


End file.
